"To make much of time"

Guest post by my daughter Emma

The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don’t always soften the bad things, but vice versa the bad things don’t necessarily spoil the good things and make them unimportant. ~ Richard Curtis – Doctor Who.

There’s a mistake that people make when they look at their lives, because they think that everything that ever hurt them should be shut away and forgotten. I came across a beautiful thing while I was reading Slaughterhouse 5 earlier this month. One whole page in the novel is taken up by a drawing of a gravestone, and on it are the words, “Everything was beautiful, and nothing hurt”, and I sort of stumbled around the school for quite a while with that page open in front of my face, trying to take it in.

That naturally brought me along the avenue of thinking what I might like to have on my gravestone, because all the best ones have a message, a message from beyond the grave, something that defines the person whose remains now beneath the ground. I thought that maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if I wrote on mine, “Everything was beautiful, and everything hurt. But that’s okay. When it hurts, you know that it means something”.

That brought me to thinking that perhaps the things we lose define us as surely as the things we have, or even more so. We’ve all lost things. Some of us have lost parents or friends, whether it’s because they died or an argument took them out of our lives. We’ve all lost pets and books, phones and toys and little bits of our lives we wish we could remember. Our losses define us so much more than anything else, because humans never appreciate what they have until it’s gone.

I came across a very touching poem written from the point of view of a young girl who had committed suicide, and she’s looking down at her family. She noticed how that year the Christmas tree didn’t go up, and her friends stared at the presents they’d wrapped for her and cried, and wouldn’t come out of their rooms. She was confused by all of this, because these people had treated her with what seemed to her like indifference when she was alive. Watching them cry and scream and miss her, she became more and more agitated and regretful of what she had done, because it was only from beyond the grave that she could see how much she had meant to them.

I suppose the lesson in that is to show your love for the people around you. If they call you at two in the morning crying, sit up and listen to them, offer to drop over the next day, include the people you love in your life, because if you don’t they’ll fade away from you. Some people need to be reminded that they are loved more than others, because in their minds if no one in the world loves them then there’s no point in existing.

Most people need others to witness their passage through life and knowing that; we should always try to pay attention to the people around us. We should make sure they know that someone is watching, and someone cares. You can never tell what’s going on inside another person’s mind, because most of us are very good at smiling even though inside we’re dying, so just be there. Be a friend, be the person who cares, because you don’t want to end up running your fingers over the beaming Santas on the wrapping paper of a gift that suddenly has no recipient.

If our lives are a pile of good things and bad things, then we have a duty to do all we can to keep adding to our loved ones’ pile of good things. We have duty not to turn our backs. You don’t get to be indifferent; you can’t afford to do that, because if something happens you’ll never be able to stop blaming yourself. People seem to have this idea that their time is too precious to share, and they scramble to do things and leave their mark on time, but eventually all things are forgotten, and every achievement fades away. Immortality is a myth, so stop hoarding your time and start giving it to the people who need it. Stop clinging to every second and pay attention to the people who need your time.

I used to be so obsessed with achieving things. Publishing books, ‘winning’ at life, getting A’s, all these superficial things, but in the end they mean nothing if your smile hasn’t touched the heart of another person. I’ve decided that whatever I do in life, its primary purpose will not be to make me happy, but to make others happy, and if by extension that can make me happy, then fine.

I think that in order to realise the value of something, you have to lose it. The key to being happy is appreciating the things you have while you have them and not just because they’re gone now. When we are old and struggling to keep our eyes open all we have to do is count the scars to know that we lived and we loved and dying is okay, because at least we did something that meant something. At least we felt things and went places, at least we laughed and at least we cried.

I will not count success by the things I own, or whatever great things I might do. I will look at my heart and trace the outlines of the people I’ve loved and they will be the most precious things I have in the end. They will remind me that I’ve lived when I’m trying desperately not to die. The good things and the bad things will all add up to make me who I am. I’ll know that the people I used to know will be looking at their hearts someday and I’ll be there. That’s all the knowledge I need to be content in this life.

Emma Tobin
2013

Look at me - six years in remission today

At times during my treatment for Multiple Myeloma (cancer of the plasma cells in the bone marrow), I wondered if I would ever live to see myself write a line like that - but here I am on Thursday 26 September 2013 celebrating six years of remission.

It's a great feeling. I was reading through my 2007 journal last night and this is what was happening six years ago:

When a Mother dies

When a mother dies

No obituary will appear in the paper

No headlines on national radio

No breaking news item

ticking across the TV

Because she wasn’t famous

Or a celeb

Or a star



But that doesn’t mean

she wasn’t important

or any less loved or missed



She will be headlines forever

in her family home

Her obituary written each day

in the words and memories spoken about her

Breaking hearts instead of breaking news

A celebrity shining out of the family photos



She was and still is everything to each person

who met her, knew her and loved her

She won’t be discarded with yesterday’s newspaper

or moved on with the arrival of the next big thing





She is eternal inside a private heart

Full of love

Raw with loss



Brenda Drumm

18 September 2013

On a day like today

On a day like today
When there's school uniforms to iron
Lunches to make
I'm not thinking about it coming back

On a day like today
when the washing machine has broken
and the kitchen is flooded
I'm not thinking about biopsies and blood tests

On a day like today
when there's grocery shopping to be put away
and dinner to be prepared
I'm not thinking about prognosis

On a day like today
when there's lego to be made
and birthday cake to be had
I'm not thinking about dying

On a day like today
Or any given day
I'm mostly not thinking about cancer

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Copyright: Brenda Drumm 2013

Celebrating Jane Austen

A CELEBRATION OF JANE AUSTEN ON SUNDAY, 6TH OCTOBER

AT SALTERBRIDGE HOUSE, CAPPOQUIN, CO. WATERFORD

This year marks the 200th Anniversary of the publication of Pride and Prejudice and Salterbridge House is an ideal place to celebrate Jane Austen. Set amidst beautiful grounds above the river Blackwater, it was built in 1750. Substantially altered in the 19th century, the house and oak panelled hall sets the scene for a feast of Jane Austen activities on Sunday, 6th October. Regency dress is optional, with a prize for the best dressed participant. Changing rooms will be available for those who wish to complete their toilette on arrival.

Dr. Sophia Hillan, author and lecturer on Irish literature will speak about "Cassandra's Star, Jane Austen's nieces in Ireland". This talk expands on her successful recent work: May, Lou and Cass, and brings new and exciting detail to the topic. Signed copies of this book will be available to buy on the day.

Our imaginative chefs have created an Austen inspired three course lunch for you to enjoy at your leisure.

In the afternoon Empire Line Productions present Ladies of Jane, Scenes and Musings from the Pen of Jane Austen. This theatrical delight is a must for all Jane Austen fans who will be treated to an unforgettable bouquet of amusing, tender and dramatic scenes from her much loved novels. Directed by Mary Curtin, starring Judy Donovan, Rachel O'Connell and Vanessa Hyde, Ladies of Jane is perfectly suited to performance in the gracious surroundings of the oak panelled hall.

Date: Sunday 6th October 10.30-4.30

Venue: Salterbridge House, Cappoquin, Co. Waterford:

10.30 am Coffee with a short talk about Salterbridge House

11.00 am Lecture Cassandra's Star : Jane Austen's nieces in Ireland

1.00 pm Luncheon in Salterbridge House Dining Room

2.45 pm Theatre Ladies of Jane, Scenes and Musings from the Pen of Jane

Austen

4.00 pm Afternoon Tea in the drawing room and Costume Parade & Judging

Full Day ticket( numbers strictly limited) EUR75 with all refreshments.

Lecture only /play only ticket EUR25 per session.

Booking: 058 54952/ 087 2030763 susiewingfield@hotmail.com

Susie Wingfield , Salterbridge, Cappoquin, Co. Waterford

Proceeds from this event are in aid of the Lismore Hall Restoration Fund. Cheques to: St. Carthage's Cathedral, Lismore Hall appeal.

Ends

After a while

After a while
you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul

and you learn love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't always mean security.

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't always promises

and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and and your eyes ahead with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.

And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much

So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers

And you learn that you really can endure, that you really are strong and you really do have worth and you learn and you learn

with every good-bye you learn.

Author: Veronica A. Shoffstall

Please Choose Life

I am a big fan of the radio and it's always on in the car tuned to local, regional or national stations. The choice of show depends on who is in the car with me, my mood and whether or not there is a breaking news story that I need to follow for my work as a Communications Officer.

This morning I was in the car by myself travelling to work in Maynooth so I happened to switch channel at 9am to see who was on and who is away on holidays - it can be hard to keep up, especially on the National stations.

I heard Miriam on the John Murray Show and heard her mention Donal Walsh so I stayed tuned in. I had just pulled into the car park in work when her interview with Donal Walsh's parents began.

Now if you don't know who Donal Walsh is, then you missed an opportunity to listen to and to learn from an amazing young man who sadly passed away recently. Donal Walsh, while living with terminal cancer, went on National TV to talk about his desire to simply live and to plead with young people who so often and so readily choose suicide - to STOP and to choose to live instead of choosing to die.

You would have wanted to have a heart of stone to be unmoved by this young man and his parents who so clearly loved the very ground he walked on.

Anyway back to Miriam this morning and her interview with Donal's parents. Miriam took them back through DOnal's life and what he was like as a baby and then up to the point where he was diagnosed with a tumour in his knee when he was just entering his teenage years and when all he wanted to do was to play sport.

The interview was sensitive and you got a real sense again of the boy who had just made the transition from boyhood to being a man. I felt at times like I was sitting at their kitchen table as they got bad news, followed by good news and then more bad news. I was almost there with them the day they got the awful news that there were no more treatment options for Donal.

I cried as I listened to a father who back then was trying to be strong and for whom it still took every ounce of his strength not to cry today on national radio. I found it particularly hard to listen to Elma, Donal's mother as she spoke of her son. I know what sons are to their mothers, especially Irish sons as I am Mum to a little boy of 8.

The last think Donal's mother said today as Miriam signed off the interview was that Donal will be waiting for her ....... Those words will stay with me forever.

Her faith is so strong. Her joy in the short life of her son was palpable today.

Donal's parents said that he has left them with a lot of work to do - he started something while he was in his final few months on earth that I hope will in some way help and encourage young people to choose life. In fact I hope it will encourage people of all ages to always choose life.

I am living with an incurable form of bone marrow cancer and I know it is hard for those who love me. As I listened to Donal's parents today I thought about how I am on the other side of where they are - they are parents mourning their son. I am scared every day that I will be the parent of children who are mourning me.

It's very hard - impossibly hard and overwhelming at times.  I get angry when I hear of another person who has died by suicide. I can't help it and you will have to forgive my anger at people who I know are sick and suffering too - people who are in despair and who can't see a way out. I do my best to understand and I know that there is a black hole and people often can't help but fall into it but I have fought every day since my diagnosis on 10 January 2007 to live, to survive and to squeeze every last drop I can from this life. It's hard for me to understand a senseless loss of someone by suicide.

I hope that Donal's life and the witness he gave in the short time he had on earth can make people sit up and actively choose life especially in a world which so often seems to be weighed on the side of the culture of death.

I hope that I can grow old surrounded by the people who love me and whom I love.

For Donal, for me, for all those fighting cancer and other life-threatening illnesses - please choose life! It's always worth it.

 Ends

PS Never underestimate the power of radio!